[x]

Lo, How She Lie, Still and BrokenI'm trying so hard to get better,
So hard to be strong.
I'm trying so hard to keep smiling,
So hard to go on.
But I'm getting tired,
This happiness drains me.
The walls are closing in,
It's getting hard to breath.
My conciousness,
Goes in and out.
The room goes black and white.
I can't take much more of this,
I think I've lost my sight.

Moral of the story:

You can't do it all,
Because no matter what you say or do,
Even the mighty fall.

ScreamingScreaming on the inside,
Smiling on the out.
I don't need this torture;
I don't need this doubt.

I'm sick of denial;
I'm sick of these lies.
Once, just once,
My smile should reach my eyes.

My scars are fading;
My courage is gone.
Everyone's jaded,
It's time I move on.

To a world with no sadness,
Lies,
Or fear.
A world of wonder,
Lingers near.

A slip of the knife,
Like a slip of the tongue.
I've ended my life.
I'm finally done.

The Shams of What RemainsMorals are so hard to cling to,
When everyone's doing drugs.
Crimes are committed everywhere,
And everyone's a thug.

Being a virgin isn't a virtue,
You hide it away with shame.
Yet while all of drink and smoke,
Proudly I proclaim,
Alcohol, I know not the taste.
Smoking, I do scorn.
I shall not look,
While away you waste,
Looking so forlorn.

I am my own person,
And my morals I hold dear.
I quietly sit at home,
While my friends win "Stupidest Decision of the Year."

Though I'm not perfect,
And I'll never claim to be.
My peace of mind is worth it,
So I'll be true,
To me.

Parental ''Encouragement''Mother,
Why do you despise me so?
Don't you think I should know?
I've grown into what you asked,
Graceful, poised,
Calm, relaxed.
For once,
I finally like who I am,
But still you say,
I should throw it away,
And act like it was a sham.
I'm rude,
Hostile,
And mean.
It's toward crude humor I lean.
It's the reason I'm alive.
Sarcasm helps me survive.
I'm sorry it's not okay,
But it saved my life.
Helped me get rid of the knife,
And for that I shall never change.
So Mother,
I say to you now,
Of myself,
I am surely proud.

106.8The weight on the scale,
Says that I failed.
I know that I'm fat,
That settles that.
I want to be pretty,
Skinny and thin.
I want a flat tummy,
Is that such a sin?
I hate my belly,
It jiggles like jelly.
My thunder thighs,
Are a curse to my eyes.
My invisible collar bone,
Makes my heart sink like a stone.
I hate my weight,
106.8

Do You?Every scar tells a story...

A cross for the time I doubted God,
Four down the middle,
Because three was odd.
One for the insults,
And how my heart breaks.
Seven for the time he was ripped away.
Eight for the time you left me alone,
Six for the time,
I lost my home.

My scars talk.
And you listen.
But you don't hear.
You don't hear,
My doubts and fears.
My insecurities and confusion,
They do not exist in your illusion.
I have been ripped away from what I need.
And what I need,
Is to grieve,
And bleed.

My scars tell a story.
I have a reason for what I do.
My scars tell a story.
But you don't hear,
Do you?

Tragic ValentineWhen I look in your eyes,
I see the rest of my life.
I love you,
I do.
And I know you love me too.
A ring on my finger,
And another on yours.
We know each other.
We have no doors.
Even though we're separated,
By six feet of dirt.
The words you whisper,
Still heal my hurt.
The way you exist,
Inside my head,
A figment of the imagination,
Can never be dead.
I am yours,
And you are mine.
I will always love you,
My tragic Valentine.

Locked in Eternal StruggleHow I look on the outside,
Does not match the in.
What are the differences?
I don't know where to begin.
My ivory flesh,
Disguises my insides of tar.
Clear green eyes hide the darkness,
Observed in me thus far.
Crying for a change,
Demanding she see the world,
Lingering inside me,
There is another girl.
Untouched by all my worries,
Free from all my pain,
That girl screams inside me.
Desperate to see the day,
Like a maze in my soul,
She's trying to get out.
She will reach the surface,
Of that I have no doubt.
I can hear the bitch screaming,
She's so fucking loud.
I guess I was wrong.
My depression won't let her out.

Some DaySome day I will be great.
Some day I will be strong.
Some day I'll be somewhere I belong.
It's not as if I want to stay here.
All the remains is sadness and fear.
A ghost of what I was.
And all I've ever been.
A ghost of my past
A ghost of my sin.
I'm just a shadowy echo
Of the laughter that once haunted these halls.
I'm just a meek reminder of how the mighty fall.
But some day I'll look up and I won't be alone.
Some day, I'll look up
And I will be home.

A Perfect DayThe rain is pouring;
I don't know what to say.
I'm actually not depressed today.

The birds are silent,
And Mulan is on.
Where have the scars and nightmares gone?

Are they in the closet?
Under the bed?
Where have they gone?
Why have they fled?

You know what?
I don't care.
All that matters,
Is that they aren't there.

I'll grab a blanket,
Take a nap.
Eat some cereal,
Curl up with the cat.
Enjoy this time,
Until it's gone.
So let me sit down,
And put my happy face on.

Tinkerbell's PleaPretty fairy,
Flits from tree to tree.
Pretty fairy,
Can't see me.
Pretty fairy,
Shine your light.
Little fairy,
You are so bright.
I think I'll take you,
And put you in a jar.
Hide you away,
So very far.
No one else,
Will ever see,
The light you shine,
Only for me.
I'll conceal the beauty,
I have seen.
It will be as if,
You had never been.
Little fairy,
Can't you see?
I am
Humanity.

Dear Marie"I'm your mother."
No, you're not.
"I spit you into this world, and I can take you out."
Yeah, if you wanna be charged with murder.
"I don't care if there's motor oil on it, eat the damn pizza!"
Your DOG wouldn't eat this, bitch.
"Go to bed, Claire!"
Yeah, because slapping me half-way across the room makes me SO tired.

Listen bitch.
It takes more than birth,
To make a mother.
It's like a one night stand,
With a lover.
It's a great paradox,
That you apologize now.
When I finally found a mom,
Who loves me somehow.
Don't say "sorry,"
Because it will change nothing.
Don't say "I love you,"
As if it means something.
Don't say "I care,"

SuicideI'm not okay.
I'm not "free."
I'm not the me,
You think to be me.
I'm falling up,
Into a beautiful sky of blood.
All of it's mine,
Leaving my body,
In a torrential flood.
I want to leave,
Pop those pills.
Join Death,
In roaming the rolling hills.
I want my canvas,
Of blood and skin.
I want my body destroyed,
To commit that beautiful sin.
I want the pain,
The poison and death.
I want that exhilaration,
And loss of breath.
I want to die,
And go away.
So I shall take my life,
Today.

Coming Apart at the SeamsAgain my arms have paid the price,
For the pathetic thing,
I call my life.
Cuts up and down,
Decorating my arm,
Keeping me safe,
From emotional harm.
Guarding my soul,
All through the night.
Showing that there is darkness,
Even in light.
So no matter how much I try,
To just go past,
The scars on my arms will always last.
They'll line up,
With the ones in my heart,
Until the day,
I finally fall apart.

Self-Absorbed, Lying BitchDon't grin at me,
Like you fucking care.
Don't even act,
Like you were ever there.
You think you're such a good fucking actress,
Yeah, like anybody's fooled.
You're think you're so brilliant,
That we are all tools.

The world is your stage,
The sun your spotlight.
And the sky is a place,
You rest at night.

The roads are in runway,
And Life is your friend.
Kindness is a hooligan,
You'd never let in.

Hold on tight, bitch,
Cuz you're in for a shock.
You may shine like the sun,
But I have sunblock.

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My New Year's ResolutionI felt like I should do one. I know that there are probably a ton of then coursing over the dA homepage right now but whatever.

Resolutions
1. I am going to be more trusting of my friends.
2. I will not commit suicide.
3. I will stay clean and free of cutting until at least February.
4. I will make my mother proud.
5. I won't hurt my friends anymore.

I Can't Even Begin To ThinkIt's a new year,
A new time,
A new fear.
It's always running,
And never living,
It's always fighting,
And never forgiving.
A new year for me,
Maybe this one I'll get through,
I can hope and dream,
But that dream won't come true.
I can't even begin to think,
Of surviving this new year.
I can't even begin to think,
Of having to feign so much cheer.
I can't even begin to think,
Of living with my lies.
I can't begin to think,
Or myself I will despise.
I can't even begin to think,
This is my greatest fear.
I can't even begin to think of surviving this new year.

NothingI am here
With the Nothing.
I am falling
With the Nothing.
I am sleeping
With the Nothing.
I can't breath
Because the Nothing.
I can't feel
Because the Nothing.
I am held,
A prisoner of fear,
I am saddened,
So down fall my tears.
I am maddened,
I've been alone all this years.
So while Nothing invades my soul,
And you lie comfy,
In your home,
I will be fighting Nothing,
And I will lose.

What You've DoneIt's fear that keeps me from hugging you,
Nothing more,
I swear it's true.
You never did anything but I still remember the tears.
I remember the disgust,
And all of those broken years.
Years I spent,
Alone inside my self.
Years I spent,
With trust gathering dust on a shelf.
I could not speak the truth,
Up until now.
But even then,
I cannot transcend
The shame that cotton balls my mouth.
I am not whole,
As you see me to be.
I only learned to hide my stitches and fissures,
With clear line I use for fishing.
I am a hollow shell,
Living in my own hell.
Memories,
Of what you did to me,
Continuously plague my dream

My Departure From InsanityCrying on the inside,
And only I can hear my pleas.
Dying on the inside,
But no one can hear my screams.
I'm slowly breaking down,
Losing my sanity.
I can't take it anymore,
I don't feel like me.
I can't breath with this big white jacket,
My arms wrapped around me too tight.
These people won't tell me,
Where I'm going tonight.
I see a needle! No!
They've injected me with something.
My are drifting shut,
And I can feel nothing.
A voice in my head lulls me awake.
My arms are free.
Where could I be?
I see my mom,
But my mom's dead!!
I see a drop of blood,
The is from my head.
A mirror appears,
And I gaze at My reflection

beautyMy soul is screaming.
Why can't you hear?!?!
Oh, I forgot you didn't care my dear.
Why can't you see
What you do to me?
Are you blind?
When I first met you,
I thought you were kind.
I was wrong.
You're not the you
I knew to be you.
Nothing you said
Was ever true.
It was all a lie,
An elaborate scheme.
You still did it,
Even though you were my dream
I have seen your true colors,
And they are not bright.
They are not beautiful,
They are not nice.
All of you that I could see
What you really are
Is clear to me.
What you are,
Holds no beauty.

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Society and What She Is

by =clarissabelle, Jan 21, 2013, 2:12:53 PM
Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

Every smile is a lie.
Every laugh is a lie.
Every single time I say I'm okay,
I lie.
I have never been happy.
I learned that I need to hide,
Hide the depression,
Hide everything that is wrong.
Hide what I feel,
Because society thinks it is wrong.
Society,
And it's uniformity,
It's disgust,
Press down on me like an anvil.
Society is breathing down my back,
Analyzing me,
Like I am not human.
Like I am not one of them.
I do not conform,
So Society makes me believe I am wrong,
A freak,
A science experiment.
Society makes me this.
I could be normal,
But for
Society.

Society and What She Isby =clarissabelle

Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

I wrote this because I thought of the way I had to hide my depression from everyone, including my family, because they wouldn't accept me for it. They would try to send me to therapy to "fix" my depression. They would try to " fix" ME.

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~BLKKheart2012 Apr 13, 2013 New member

this hit home made me think of a moment like if you knew me... but maybe in another life.. i try to put out something i write alot but when i read it sounds dumb maybe i need someone to read my writing

=clarissabelle Apr 13, 2013 Hobbyist Writer

I think there are groups for people who want someone to beta-read their writing, and if you wanted me to, I'd be glad to help.

*jellybeansEVERYWHERE Jan 22, 2013

I did have a comment.
But then it grew.
So I made it a deviation ([link])
I hope you don't mind XD

=clarissabelle Jan 22, 2013 Hobbyist Writer

Not at all

*jellybeansEVERYWHERE Jan 22, 2013

Good ^~^

=CassieCros13 Jan 21, 2013 Student Writer

Society are the real freaks of nature.

=clarissabelle Jan 21, 2013 Hobbyist Writer

Ain't that the truth?

=CassieCros13 Jan 21, 2013 Student Writer

They try to fix us is the funny thing...what's there to be fixed? At least we don't think beauty is wearing ten layers of makeup on our faces and that you need "swag" to get out there...what the fuck is swag anyway? I hear that all the time, and it's the most annoying word I think I've ever come across.

=clarissabelle Jan 21, 2013 Hobbyist Writer

I know. It seems like WE are the only ones who realize that beauty really ISN'T skin-deep. It's deeper than that. Then they're over there telling us that because we're depressed or suicidal that we are freaks. And I'm pretty sure "swag" originated from an underground street club meaning "secretly we are gay."

=CassieCros13 Jan 21, 2013 Student Writer

They're gonna end up putting "swag" in the dictionary with that.

Ugh I want to travel back in time so I don't have to deal with this shit...at least there's other hippies in the '60's and '70's I could relate to.

They don't know how it feels to be depressed, abandoned, alone, unloved, self conscious, suicidal, knowing you're worthless, all this in trying to impress them. Fuck society.

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Society and What She Is

Society and What She Isby =clarissabelle

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